Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
