I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
