Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
