Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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