Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
