whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
In America we eat man semen.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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