just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My bed smells like the plague
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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