On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
