I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
