made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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