fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
