I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
