last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
