I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
