Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
