you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
