I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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