I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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