Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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