for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i dont even know how to be here
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
