Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
