Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
