Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
