birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
