dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
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Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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