i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
