nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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