saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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