He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
