this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
