On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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