i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
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He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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