I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
