My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
