yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
