paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
