shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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