Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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