Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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