But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
