you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
