If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
