Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
