why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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