Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I did not marry a roomba.
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