I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So vagazzling was a success
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
