I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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