i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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