You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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