Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
