new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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