im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
