im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
