I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
