when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
