Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
