I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
