This dress was meant to end up on your floor
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i think i just lost a toe
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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