You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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